Rambling Number 1 or Kick in my ass

I am an ordinary woman. I can be the woman next door. I can be your mother, your daughter, your grandmother. I am not a hero. I am an ordinary woman. No one listens to the ordinary woman. No one cares. I live day to day. Sometimes, I live hour by hour. Days can be tough, nights can be worse. I hurt. I bleed. I cry. I survive. Who cares about the ordinary woman?

I had dreams. I am not sure where they went. Did they ride out into the sunset? When did it all go wrong? Was it in my teens? Did I not to my parents? Was it because I tried to fry older brother? To be fair, I was only three. I really don't remember, but my mother will not forget. An unplugged lamp, a forgotten scissor and two playing children is a recipe for disaster. I was always a curious child. I cut the cord. I plugged it in. Why, I will never know; I tried and tried to get my brother to open his mouth and plug him in. All I can say for myself, I was smart enough not to plug myself in. Mother stepped in and ended my fun.

Forty was not fun. Forty-one was even worse. Tick tock, tick tock where did all the time go? What mark did I make? I get up. I go to work. I come home. I go to bed. I get up. The midnight hour, I seem to greet it every day. Sleep is a very elusive creature. I chased it. It runs. All I want is to hold onto it for a couple hours. It doesn't even want to be held for a couple minutes. It struggles. It fights. I only want it for a couple hours. I toss and I turn, searching for that elusive creature. Sometimes, I feel that it is rarer than flying unicorn. I really try to find it. I get up. I wander about the house. Maybe I can find it on the sofa or my comfy chair. I think everyone goes through this at one point or another.

Stress beating in my head. More stress, worse health. I worry about my health, my boys, my husband and our relationship. Health has been the focal point in my life in the last three years. At 37, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. At 36, my weight was my biggest concern. I struggled like many on a diet seesaw. Lose twenty pounds, gain twenty five pounds. But that year was different, I fought hard and won.

What was my recipe? Chicken and broccoli, no sweets for me. McDonald's was a thing of the past. Lunchtime was walking not munching. Around and around my office building. I actually miss it. Now, I am lucky if I can walk for my car parked in the handicap spot to my desk without feeling like I am having a heart attack. I've only been three years. I need to find some new energy, some new focus. I really am not sure what I need. It might just be a kick in the ass.