Rambling Number 1 or Kick in my ass

I am an ordinary woman. I can be the woman next door. I can be your mother, your daughter, your grandmother. I am not a hero. I am an ordinary woman. No one listens to the ordinary woman. No one cares. I live day to day. Sometimes, I live hour by hour. Days can be tough, nights can be worse. I hurt. I bleed. I cry. I survive. Who cares about the ordinary woman?

I had dreams. I am not sure where they went. Did they ride out into the sunset? When did it all go wrong? Was it in my teens? Did I not to my parents? Was it because I tried to fry older brother? To be fair, I was only three. I really don't remember, but my mother will not forget. An unplugged lamp, a forgotten scissor and two playing children is a recipe for disaster. I was always a curious child. I cut the cord. I plugged it in. Why, I will never know; I tried and tried to get my brother to open his mouth and plug him in. All I can say for myself, I was smart enough not to plug myself in. Mother stepped in and ended my fun.

Forty was not fun. Forty-one was even worse. Tick tock, tick tock where did all the time go? What mark did I make? I get up. I go to work. I come home. I go to bed. I get up. The midnight hour, I seem to greet it every day. Sleep is a very elusive creature. I chased it. It runs. All I want is to hold onto it for a couple hours. It doesn't even want to be held for a couple minutes. It struggles. It fights. I only want it for a couple hours. I toss and I turn, searching for that elusive creature. Sometimes, I feel that it is rarer than flying unicorn. I really try to find it. I get up. I wander about the house. Maybe I can find it on the sofa or my comfy chair. I think everyone goes through this at one point or another.

Stress beating in my head. More stress, worse health. I worry about my health, my boys, my husband and our relationship. Health has been the focal point in my life in the last three years. At 37, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. At 36, my weight was my biggest concern. I struggled like many on a diet seesaw. Lose twenty pounds, gain twenty five pounds. But that year was different, I fought hard and won.

What was my recipe? Chicken and broccoli, no sweets for me. McDonald's was a thing of the past. Lunchtime was walking not munching. Around and around my office building. I actually miss it. Now, I am lucky if I can walk for my car parked in the handicap spot to my desk without feeling like I am having a heart attack. I've only been three years. I need to find some new energy, some new focus. I really am not sure what I need. It might just be a kick in the ass.

Ramblings of an Ordinary Woman

Rambling Number 2 or Becoming the person you choose to be;

     To become the person you choose to be seems easy. Do what you want and therefore you will become the person you choose to be. Unfortunately, the thrill of the moment sometimes feels like it is the person you want to be. Can you live in those moments? Forever? It would be like living on a roller coast ride. So it seems that to become the person you choose to be, you must first to choose what "this person is to be." So how do you choose "this person to be?" Is it just living to you fullest potential, whatever the heck that means?

      I don't know about you, but I remember growing up with my parents and teachers yelling at me. "You are not living up to your fullest potential!" It's my potential, so why did they care? I know parents will be parents. Are you to choose to become "this person" who is your fullest potential? To me this is boring. This might be what a lot of people look for, search for, or work for. To me, working towards your potential you may lose balance. If this makes you happy, OK. This ain't for me. I could not choose to be that person. Also, what if your fullest potential is to become a bank robber. Just because, you could reach your fullest potential as a bank robber, is this the way to go? Maybe not.
      Balance and potential. Balance your life so your potential does not become the life. Remember the old saying, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy or a madman. (The Shining (1980)). But the opposite is also true. All play and no work leaves you hungry for the day and living in the streets. Life must be more just work. Life can be all play. Life falls somewhere in between. Your fullest potential may only be at what you play and not what can pay the bills. Or your fullest potential may be in your work, your career. But then what happens if family is left behind. If play is left behind. I could lead to a very short life. No play equals stress. Stress kills.
      So, now choose who you will become. This might not be what you become tomorrow. It will just be what you work towards every day. One day at a time. Consider balance, family, play, bills, money, what makes you happy, what tires you out and what makes a day truly worthwhile. And remember, your choice can always change or be redefined.